Love to Hatred Turn'd

“Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorn’d.”

I’m not a very good-looking guy. And I have as a friend — my best friend — a guy that is extremely handsome. I’ve known him since High School. When he’s around, no girl even notices me. They don’t even look at me.

We both adored Karen. She’s beautiful, funny, and has the greatest personality. The type of girl you can’t wait for your parents to meet. But I didn’t have a chance. I couldn’t compete with Billy. He was too good looking.

But other than looks, I was the better man. I was two inches taller, and a better basketball and football player. Better than him at billiards and Ping-Pong and a much better swimmer. But that wasn’t good enough. Not for Karen.

I was very jealous when they started dating. The thought of the two of them together… I hated it. I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching her. Kissing her.

I wanted Karen to see that he wasn’t half the man I was. And I knew he couldn’t swim that well. We had gone swimming before together and he could barely keep up.

Me, Karen and Billy went into the small boat. There was a cloudy sky that greeted us. Its darkened eyes looked like they were squinting at us… daring us to go into the boat. We listened to the rain forecast on my cell phone.

Billy didn’t want to go.

I said, “Don’t be a scaredy cat.”

“Kevin, I’m not afraid,” said Billy. He looked annoyed.

I knew I had him. We were both nineteen and Karen was eighteen. And nineteen-year-old guys don’t like to be shown up in front of their girlfriends. I called him a scaredy cat. I carefully chose those words. I knew that they would elicit a certain response.

I was right. But I didn’t expect that he would actually get in the boat. I even felt a little nervous. A storm was brewing, and it could be dangerous. But Karen didn’t seem to be concerned. Maybe she didn’t believe the forecast? Maybe she wasn’t aware of the darkened clouds? Or maybe she was just naive?

We were half-a-mile from shore when it started pouring. The lightning lit up the sky and seemed as if it was shaking an ominous finger at us, and then there was a thunderous roar.

The small boat was being bullied and intimated by the waves and being tossed all around. We headed back. The wind was howling, and I slipped. I didn’t regain my balance, and the wind knocked me overboard. It felt like someone pushed me. I screamed.

Going over, I banged my head on the side of the boat and momentarily lost consciousness. I regained consciousness a few seconds later and found that Karen was pulling me up and back on board the boat.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that Billy jumped into the water. It was Billy that rescued me.

I looked around. Where was Billy? Where was Billy? He was gone.

** ** ** ** ** **

Karen and I eventually got married. Our first baby was a girl. The next one was a boy, and we named him Billy. I was the one that suggested that. Karen agreed.

I hated that we named him Billy. But what could I do? Kevin always blamed himself for what happened. Blamed himself for Billy drowning.

The night before Billy drowned, Billy and I had a date. He cancelled. He told me he wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t believe him. It happened twice before. I borrowed my dad’s car and started looking for him.

I went to all the places that he liked to go. All the places we went together. I saw him with her. They were eating at Dahlia’s restaurant. I waited in my car and followed them. Billy likes to drive fast, and it was hard for me to keep up. I was also crying so much that I could barely see. They went into a hotel.

I waited and waited. I was going to run him over with my car. But then I had a better idea. I heard the weather forecast for the next day. Stormy weather.

The weather was terrible the day we went into the boat. But I hated Billy so much that my hatred for him overcame my fear. I knew Billy didn’t swim that well. While we were in the boat, it started pouring… sheets of rain obscured our vision. It was as if fate was reaching out and lending me a hand.

Kevin had his back turned away. I went to push Billy. I wanted the sea to swallow him up. I hated him. He cheated on me. But at the last minute he saw me and moved. I ended up missing him but not Kevin. He plopped into the water. Billy jumped in to help him.

Billy was pushing Kevin up, and when Kevin got into the boat, he was groggy and coughing up water. Billy tried to get into the boat, but he was tired and struggling. I pushed Billy away with all my strength. He fell backwards and was gone.

Over the years what I did haunted me. I was always fearful that I would be caught. That’s the reason that I married Kevin. I was afraid he might piece it together. Might figure it out.

But now every time I hear my son’s name, Billy… I’m reminded.

I know that I’ll eventually see Billy again. I’ve come to believe that nothing escapes God’s Notice. And especially something like this. At the end of my rainbow Billy and God will be waiting. Billy wanting to be avenged, and a Just God Handing out Justice.

“Come on Billy,” shouted Kevin. “You can do better than that. If you want to make the swimming team… you’re going to have to swim better.”

Photo by Peter Forster via Unsplash